I’m so excited that Bravo has decided to air the new season
of Real Housewives of Melbourne. They are airing it a few weeks behind the
airing in Australia, which has been the normal practice in other countries when
airing the US versions of the show. It’s about time Bravo got their act
together. They should have aired Real Housewives of Vancouver the same way. It
may have gotten renewed if they had… Can you tell I’m bitter about it?
Anyway, the very first thing we see is an extremely brief
“recap” of last season. However, it was just a few clips, and if you didn’t
watch last season, you would have no idea what happened. Considering the facts
that Andrea was in the middle of most of the drama last season and she was only
shown once in the recap without saying a single word, I’m going to assume the
producers were throwing some shade by purposely leaving her out as much as
possible. It may not be true, but that’s the world I prefer to live in…
The season opens with Lydia, Jackie, and Chyka meeting for
what I am assuming is a drink considering Lydia orders a “wet pussy”…? Of
course the waiter retorts perfectly, just as I would have, “I’ve never seen one
of those…” Jackie keeps going on about how great Lydia looks and how she has
lost so much weight. If it’s true, that’s great for Lydia; however, I can’t
tell a difference. And that is not my way of throwing shade. I simply don’t
think she looked overweight last year.
Janet calls while the three women are together and says she
is going to see Carlos, who Chyka contends is Janet’s new boy toy. Janet asks
if they are coming to her birthday party, and she says she wants to invite
Gina. Janet says she wants to move forward with Gina and that their ups and
downs are indicative of a “real relationship.” Later Lydia says she wants to
pick up Gina so they can ride to Janet’s party together. Lydia wants to have a
chat with Gina and also move forward with their relationship… I can’t help but
point out something. Gina has been embraced by viewers as one of the standouts
and favorites on the show. It seems to me that the only reason Janet and Lydia
are trying to make things right with Gina is to gain favor in the eyes of
viewers. It’s a smart move, but I think many people will see through it.
Furthermore, I doubt it will last long. We shall see…
Janet goes to see Carlos who has offered to have her party
at “his venue”; however, he says there were some construction issues and it
won’t be ready in time. I’m inclined also not to believe this. Something tells
me the venue was ready, but it just wasn’t camera ready. Why would you want to
show something on international television that isn’t perfect?... Janet claims
that she is “freaking out”, but by the amount of Botox in her face, who can
tell? She always looks somewhat surprised… The conversation turns to Janet’s
love life (so clearly she wasn’t too upset about the news of the party). Janet
says she doesn’t want a man in his 70s, what she alludes to be age-appropriate
for her, because most of them are unwell… Did she just slip up and reveal her approximate
age? Or is she saying she wants an older man so she can feel like a kept woman
and trophy wife? Either way it tells us a lot about Janet…
Janet then goes to see Patrick, her gay gossip buddy who
must get his hair from the same tragic distributor as Nene Leakes. Janet
decides to call Gina to invite her to the birthday party. Janet leaves a
voicemail because Gina did not answer. (Whether this was intentional or
happenstance on Gina’s side, it was a good thing. Upon calling back, Gina had
the power to direct the conversation and the knowledge of what the call was
about.) While Janet and Patrick discuss her cheap-looking, tacky dress options,
Gina does call back and accepts the invitation.
The first time Gina is shown on camera, she is walking down
the street on her way to have lunch with a friend. The camera pans out to a
wide shot from across the street. I can only imagine this was done on purpose since
above her we see a sign that says “the bitch is back”. This is one of the best
reality TV shots I’ve ever seen. It was captured and tweeted by many people,
and if you missed it, go to the RHOMelbourne hashtag, and you’re bound to see
one… While at lunch, Gina and her friend talk about Gina’s partner who still
lives in the US. Last season the two of them split, but here Gina says they
have gotten back together again. She plans on moving to the US with him. I
wonder what that means for her future on the show. I definitely do not want to
see her go, but if that’s what makes her happy, I will not begrudge her that.
Earlier we heard Janet say that Carlos was taking care of
everything for the party: the location, the food, and the alcohol. But
apparently when he backed out of hosting it at the last minute, he also backed
out of the other duties? This is the only reason I can think of for Janet to
show up to a bakery begging for a birthday cake the day of her party. Of course
the baker/cake designer is absolutely insane and starts giving Janet a therapy
session in his bakery. Janet invites the cake designer to her party. It’s the
least she can do.
As said earlier, Lydia wants to ride with Gina to the
birthday party in hopes of chatting. And as I suspected, Lydia is all talk and
no action. They spend a good bit of time in an awkward silence, what I would
call one of the most awkward car rides ever… The silence is finally broken, and
Gina says she heard from many sources that Lydia and her husband had separated…
And the car ride just got more awkward. Lydia appears caught of guard by this,
almost as if she were stunned that people knew the truth? But she claims it’s
BS.
Next we are introduced to one of the new housewives, and
judging by how much I loathe her already, I’m guessing she is Andrea’s
replacement who will bear the brunt of my bitchy comments this season…
introducing Gamble. First of all, that voice… I thought Scheana from Vanderpump
Rules had the most annoying voice, but I have been proven wrong. As Gamble is
first introduced to us, we see her brushing her dog while lying on the floor wearing
Louboutins… I almost called 911 because my throat was closing up; I’m allergic
to fakeness… She’s married to an ophthalmologist who appears to be 80 years old.
She says her name comes from a Shakespearian play and means “to frolic”;
however, I think her parents may have been referencing how they gambled and
lost in having a kid… She doesn’t eat breakfast, and she thinks frozen peas are
a suitable dinner. So overall, I’d say the bitch is stupid.
At the party we get some pearls of wisdom from Gamble as she
meets the ladies for the first time. If you found nothing wrong with what she
said, it must be because you don’t speak Bitch… Luckily, I speak Bitch
fluently, so allow me to help you out… When she first met Chyka, Gamble says, “Chyka’s
got a beautiful face…” Translation: “Chyka’s body needs some serious work…”
(Let it be known that I think Chyka is beautiful in every way. She is an
intelligent, sexy, strong business woman with a gorgeous husband. Who could ask
for more?) Gamble also says about Jackie, “I don’t believe in psychics…”
Translation: “Oh shit! This bitch is gonna see through all of my fake
behavior…”
If you recall, last year Janet talked about her son being in
an accident that severely burned a large portion of his body. He made his first
public appearance since the accident at Janet’s birthday party. For the
horrific and traumatic event that this man has gone through, he looked happy
and amazing. Seeing that moment gave me some hope and made me smile.
Gina arrives to the birthday party, and Janet immediately
calls her a drag queen behind her back. (I know of many fabulous and beautiful
drag queens, but the intent behind the statement was to be rude, so you have to
take it as an insult.) Gina, on the other hand, says that Janet looks fabulous.
So just like Lydia, Janet said she wanted to repair things with Gina, but
actions speak louder than words… At least we can see that Janet is trying. She
says she was going to tell Gamble the myriad of “terrible things” that Gina
did, but she stops herself.
The other new housewife is Pettifleur. She is from Sri Lanka
and is a property developer who moved to Australia as a teenager. She says, “It’s
not a woman if there’s no bitch in her.” So she’s basically saying that all
women are bitches; however, I am living proof that not all bitches are women… Perhaps
the most intriguing thing about Pettifleur, in my opinion, is that she has no
allegiances with any of the women; she doesn’t know any of the other women. Her
choices in whom to trust will be interesting to watch.
Toward the end of the episode, Gina and Gamble have lunch.
Gamble says she likes intelligent people, which is why she is drawn to Gina…
But if she likes intelligent people, does that mean she doesn’t like
herself?... Gamble is clearly
kissing Gina’s ass by giving her gifts and telling her about how some of the
other women were insulting her at Janet’s party. However, Gina never
disappoints me. She says she’s always weary with new people (as she should be).
In the last scene, Janet goes to see Carlos…and his pig…
We’re teased at the end of the episode with the fact that there’s gossip
circulating about Gamble, but of course we are not told what that juicy tidbit
is. We have to wait for the new episode.
The season is off to a great start. Let me know what you
think of the new housewives and your predictions for what the new season has in
store. I hope to be back next week with a recap of episode 2.
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